‘He’s become such a lardy’, complained the wife of Kings Langley resident Andrew Knowlman. ‘When we first met, he was ripped with a six-pack to die for. Now he just sits around all day and doesn’t care about his physical condition at all. In the last three months, he has gone from 70KG to 76KG. It’s shocking.’
‘This story is repeated up and down the country’, said Head of Health England, Doctor Rosemary McTavish, herself weighing in at a cool 123KG. ‘It’s a ticking time bomb, a crisis of epic proportions, the blight of our generation’, hyperbolised the chubby medic, Coke in hand.
The Director of Sport England, Ignacio Garcia Hernandez, commented on Mr Knowlman, ‘This guy, I mean, he has gym membership but never goes, he watches too much telly. He even has a screen attached to his chair. He hasn’t walked one step in 18 months, he can’t be bothered to move his arms. He is so lazy that he doesn’t even bother to feed himself. He has 2,400 calories per day, but he is a total couch potato.’
Asked to comment, Mr Knowlman said, ‘Yeah, it’s true, I do sit in the same chair for 12 hours per day. Rest of the time, I’m in bed or having personal care. I love daytime TV.’
‘We expect educated people like Mr Knowlman to set an example’, added Minister for Health, Marko Slimic, weighing in at a cool 145KG. ‘He had every opportunity, good school and parents, plus a health conscious family life. In the space of three years, he’s thrown it all away.’
Maintaining weight is important for people living with Motor Neurone Disease. I was always about 83KG, went down to 70 and am now at 76, which is good news.