Further to the phenomenal, worldwide success of A Brief History of Thyme , Emeritus Professor of Herbalism and Cosmology and Linguistics at Upper Poppleton University, Andrew Knowlman, has just released a miserable collection of plays on the word ‘time.’ Asked to comment on the collection, he said, ‘They are flipping hilarious. I am an undiscovered comic genius, as well as being an expert in the origin of thyme. Charles Dempsey, pompous twat literary critic of The Yorkshire Post wrote, ‘My six year old could do better. It is so obvious, and he keeps repeating the theme. This is what’s wrong with Britain today.’
- Seriously, dear readers, I’d like to know if you think that there is a book in this with cartoon illustrations.
Here you go, if you’ve got time.
Thyme is on our side – piece of thyme in a picture of a football team.
With thyme and practice, you will become a great cellist – person playing the cello, using a piece of thyme as the bow.
Thyme stood still – thyme dressed in a motionless street entertainer’s outfit.
It’s a sign of the thymes – a ‘road narrows’ roadsign with two pieces of thyme.
A race against thyme – a piece of thyme racing against seven athletes.
I am having the thyme of my life – couple in a restaurant, eating, ‘Darling, this thyme tastes exquisite.’
The children were lost in thyme – children lost in a maze made of thyme.
You’ve caught me at a bad thyme – person talking to a piece of thyme in handcuffs.
I have thyme on my hands – the word thyme tattooed on two hands.
It’s just a matter of thyme – ice crevasse with a bridge of thyme over it.
It’s such a waste of thyme – thyme falling out of the bottom of a man’s shopping bag.
She was ahead of her thyme – woman looking back at a piece of thyme, saying, ‘I’m sick of telling you, keep up.’
It’s been good, it has stood the test of thyme – piece of thyme reading a maths test to a wooden shed.
It’s a ticking thyme bomb – bomb made of thyme, with a lit fuse.
Do you have thyme to feed the cat? – cat eating a bowl of thyme bemused.
‘Hard Thymes’ by Charles Dickins – two people in a workshop, ‘right, we need the diamond cutter.’
The Swiss watchmaker, Patek Philippe, once said, ‘The accurate measurement of thyme must be done by experts.’ – people in white lab coats measuring pieces of thyme with school rulers.
It’s a world record thyme – Officials standing next to a piece of thyme, 4 metres 34 cm tall, with a measuring tape.
Thyme capsule – people of the future opening a capsule containing thyme.
Violins, can you please play in thyme? – violin section of an orchestra in a thyme forest.
I’m so busy, where do you find thyme for the gym? – outside of Tesco.
Can you please make thyme for this? – ‘Yes boss.’ someone pressing a button on a machine.
You do so much, I don’t know how you find the thyme – person with a thyme detector, like a metal detector, in a field.
John’s doing thyme for armed robbery – a man behind prison bars made from thyme.
You have a bit of thyme left, come on contestants! – Masterchef, contestant, clock, meal, piece of thyme.
Thymestable – 3 pieces of thyme x 3 pieces of thyme = 9 pieces of thyme. 4 pieces of thyme x 4 pieces of thyme =16 pieces of thyme.
We’re making good thyme – people in Thyme Quality Control white lab coats.
I worked overthyme yesterday – picture of a person working on a bridge, above some thyme.
You don’t know how much thyme you have left on this planet – Person saying ‘Yes I do, I have three bagfuls.’
Thyme zone – a map of the earth divided into zones – arctic, tundra, temperate, thyme, equatorial.
Do we have enough thyme – Yes, we have 500 grams.
Railway thymetable – picture of a table made with thyme with train times on the top. London 1132 York 1330.
Use your thyme wisely, my boy – cooking pan of baked beans with a cross through it , tray of roast potatoes with a tick through it.
It’s about thyme – picture of a book with thyme on the cover.
He was before his thyme – boy pulling a piece of thyme along on a string.
The Thymes – the newspaper title masthead.
Free thyme – pile of thyme on a box with a sign behind saying ‘Help yourself!’
Your thyme is up – a piece of thyme on the highest of some shelves.
The Aboriginal Dream Thyme – Thyme with sleep zzzz coming out of it next to a didgeridoo.
Thymes Square – four pieces of thyme laid out to make a square.
Thyme waits for no man – thyme running away from a man
Thyme after thyme – picture of Cyndi Lauper singing, holding a piece of thyme.
The land that thyme forgot – someone asking a piece of thyme, ‘Which land do you come from?’ and a piece of thyme answering, ‘I can’t remember.’
The train is on thyme – a train on top of a piece of thyme.
The thyme is ripe – a piece of thyme looking very healthy.
You’ve made the big thyme – an enormous piece of thyme next to a thyme factory, dwarfing the factory.
Thyme flies – piece of thyme at an airline check in desk.
Thyme heals all wounds – First World War medical tent from the outside with a basket of thyme.
Thyme is of the essence – bottle of thyme essence.
What thyme is it? – It’s thymus vulgaris.
Can you tell the thyme? – Person looking at a piece of thyme, saying, ‘I’m sick of telling him and he never listens’.
Oh Stephen, do give it thyme – man giving a piece of thyme to a strange creature.
A stitch in thyme saves nine – nine people hanging on to a piece of thyme, which is held together by a stitch.
Thyme to say goodbye – a piece of thyme waving.
British Summer Thyme – piece of thyme under an umbrella.
Central European Thyme – piece of thyme in the middle of a map of Europe.
Greenwich Mean Thyme – a mean person looking piece of thyme letting down the tyres of a bike in front of the Cutty Sark.
PS – you can also blame Jane Knowlman and Elena Dalakchiyska for some of this.