‘It’s complete hogwash this global warming thing. I mean have you been in Southwest Hertfordshire over the last seven days? It’s May 1st and there was a frost last night. When I am outside in my wheelchair, it’s freezing. Yesterday it was six degrees’, explained the man outside the Saracen’s Head in Kings Langley, known locally as The Chatty Professor.
‘Them Polynesian island people should be ashamed of themselves, asking for cash because the sea’s getting a bit higher. It’s lovely and warm everyday. They need to stop whingeing.’
‘Don’t get me started on the bleedin lefty Guardian readers’, continued the Chatty Professor, real name Andrew Knowlman. ‘They lecture people like me about recycling this, recycling that, then piss off on exotic holidays. I’ll send them a postcard from Margate, and they can work out my carbon footprint.’
‘If I have to listen to David Feckin Attenborough tell me one more time about polar bears falling off melting ice, I’ll do my nut. There’s plenty of ice. I mean how much do they need?’
‘It’s awright for the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. They all live where it’s sunny, or they live here and swan off to conferences all the time’, explained Professor Knowlman.
Asked about record April temperatures in Central Europe, the catastrophic loss of polar ice, desertification in Kent and the warm spell last week, Knowlman said, ‘I can’t even sit out and enjoy my pint. Trump’s right, global warming is rubbish.’