Empire

‘We British have always made the best of any situation. That’s why we still have fun at a garden party in midsummer, when it’s cold and wet’, said Sir Barry Thiclkleby-Fiennes, Prime Minister, as he explained the post-Brexit travel arrangements, agreed with the leaders of the European Union.

Effective July 1st, 2020, British passport holders will only be able to spend six consecutive days, once, within a twelve month period in the European Union, for whatever purpose.

‘When negotiating this, I really didn’t expect such a backlash. Since the age of six, I’ve been holidaying on the Turks and Caicos Islands. Today, it costs me £25,000, ncluding travel in British Airways Club World’.

‘When we campaigned for Brexit’, added the Prime Minister, ‘we explained now was the time for Britain to reconnect with its glorious past, and to really put those 350 million Europeans on the back burner. It’s worth remembering that around 1920, 25% of the world’s population and 25% of the earth’s surface belonged to Britain. Also, the period 1815-1914 was generally peaceful, and is known as the Pax Brittanicus’.

Kevin Phillips of The Dailly Express pointed out that most families just about pull together a grand for two weeks in Benidorm. He felt that a week on Monserrat would be beyond the average Joe, and while he knew it was hot and sunny there, he was not sure that Ghana would prove popular.

Stephanie Henson, fresh into her role Colonial Minister, explained that there would be three groups of countries with respect to overseas holidays and trade.

The first bucket of countries are called The British Overseas Territories.

botmap

The idea is to carry on as usual here. Firstly, we will let money laundering continue, because it’s a great way of keeping dodgy governments and people on our side. These Territories are typically in sun-kissed locations, ideal for the military to do exercises, go to the beach and play golf.

Location_of_the_BOTs.svg

We have ensured that we have Territories in every ocean, thereby enabling us to claim strategic benefits. Starting Brexit Day, UK residents will be given a 20% reduction on holidays to Ascension Island and St Helena, assuming their after-tax income is greater than £150000 per year. The same enticing offer applies to the Caribbean Islands and should keep the riff raff out. Winter Sun holidays will be offered in the Falklands and South Georgia.

The second bucket of countries is called The Commonwealth.

commonwealth-of-nations

Travellers will not need a visa and there will be a great 100kg free baggage allowance and no duty paid on anything. Free admission to the Barmy Army for all cricket matches. No tariffs.

Commonwealth-Map-Countries

The third and final bucket of countries is called All We Ever Had. Benefits include free travel on the Pan-Africa Highway from Alexandria to Cape Town, and we get the Thirteen States back for thirty years.

1024px-The_British_Empire

Lastly, instead of fussing about the length of a courgette with Brussels bureaucrats, we’ve invited our brightest and best to step back in time. We literally transpose them to the times of key moments in colonial power, but armed with the knowledge of today. In the first case, they need to decide whether there was a better solution to Indian partition. Secondly, players need to go back before the creation of Israel.

I wrote this blog in pain. It took six days. I have lost strength in my core, and have trouble sometimes supporting my head, due to neck pain. Thanks to Gerwyn, who came five times to work on the screen position. This one is dedicated to you. Thanks to all the staff for helping as we go through another change. It’s good to see the family after three weeks in Tennessee and the Carolinas. I really wanted this trip to happen.

Andrew Knowlman

I am a 50-year old father of two children, married to Jane. I live in Hertfordshire, UK. I was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis in April 2015.

3 thoughts to “Empire”

  1. Andrew thanks for persevering with this blog. May it inspire a whole new Yes Minster style civil service sitcom, focusing on the Department for Brexit.

Leave a Reply