Spy?

Hertfordshire resident and Russian oligarch Andrej Knowlmanov has once again denied being a spy for the Moscow government, according to the Hemel Hempstead Gazette. Knowlmanov, ?????? ?????????? in Cyrillic, claims that he is an ordinary Russian bloke, married with two kids. The British Secret Service, MI9, says that ‘Andrej Knowlmanov weaves a web of lies so complicated that he has long been on our surveillance list. His activities on April 5th, 2018, in Berkhamstead are yet further proof of him undertaking activities incompatible with his status.’

The spokeswoman for MI9 went on to detail his activities that day.

‘His first destination was Waitrose. Accompanied by a male friend, a female friend, his son, daughter and one of her friends, he parked his ‘mobility vehicle’ right by the door, to enable a rapid getaway. His son, Sebastian Knowlmanov, ????????? ?????????? in Cyrillic, then drove him into the upper class supermarket. While the rest of the party were choosing their picnic lunch, he got out of his wheelchair, took a bottle of his ‘liquid food’, ?????? ???????? ??????? in Cyrillic, and proceeded to the Serve Yourself Deli Counter. He put some in a concealed syringe, and sprayed it over the Low Calorie Three Bean Salad and Quinoa. The hi-def Waitrose CCTV shows that the bottle has ??????? ??????????? ??????? ?????, ????????? ??????? ??????? ? ??????? ??????????? written on it, which means ‘Novichok deadly nerve agent, made in a Russian lab by Russian people.”

Waitrose in Berkhamstead

Knowlmanov told the Gazette, ‘We parked in the disabled bays, went in the supermarket, everyone bought lunch and I asked my daughter to choose flowers for my wife. She chose tulips. I have MND, so I can’t get out of my wheelchair.’

According to the spokeswoman for MI9, ‘Knowlmanov was then driven to Berkhamstead castle, where his son drove him across the grassy terrain, thereby creating a pattern with the wheelchair tracks. A Soyuz Salyut 10 spaceship captured images of the tracks, which have provided valuable intelligence to the Soviets. Furthermore, he discussed various operational matters with his associates, while they sat on a bench.’

Courtesy Space Agency of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics

Becoming visibly agitated, Knowlmanov explained to the Gazette, ‘? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ????? ????????. I’ve had it up to here with these pillocks. We enjoyed a nice picnic lunch in the sunshine, my son drove the wheelchair to and from a bench. As to the accusations that he drove the wheelchair in a wiggly way, well you need to know my son. Accusing me of discussing operational matters is crazy, because I can’t talk at all for the millionth time.’ Continuing, he complained, ‘It’s ridiculous, we Russians are being blamed for the late Spring, Watford’s poor defence, Brexit and the price of tabs. It’s not fair.’

Soyuz Salyut 10, somewhere in space

‘His final, at least as observed by us, act of the day was the most treacherous’, concluded the spokeswoman for the spooks. ‘This represents a blatant use of minors in activities to destabilise the UK. Camouflaged as an Invacare wheelchair provided by the NHS, Knowlmanov was in fact undertaking performance trials of the Tupolev All Terrain Multi-capability Attack Vehicle, or ?? ??? ????????? ??????-??????????? ????? ????????????? ????????. His son was driving the TATMAV up small hills, creating deep tyre tracks, pushing the vehicle to its limits, clearly mimicking the environments where the Russian Bear will attack us.’

?? ??? ????????? ??????-??????????? ????? ????????????? ????????

By this stage, Andrej Knowlmanov was metaphorically reaching for the bottle, ‘Anyone who knows Sebastian is aware that he is by far the best driver of my wheelchair. He is someone who enjoys testing things to the limit of their performance capability. We completed 11 circuits of a course he devised, with the terrain becoming ever more challenging.’

For my regular readers in Novosibirsk, here is the text in Russian.

?????? ?????? ? ?????????? ??????? ?????? ?????????? ? ????????? ??? ???????, ??? ?? ???????? ??????? ??? ????????????? ??????, ???????? ?????? «??????». ??????????, ?? ?????????, ??????????, ??? ?? ??????? ??????? ??????, ?????, ????? ????? ?????. ?????????? ????????? ??????, MI9, ???????, ??? “?????? ?????????? ??????? ??????? ??? ????????? ??????, ??? ?? ??? ????? ? ????? ?????? ??????????. ??? ???????????? 5 ?????? 2018 ???? ? ???????????? ???????? ??? ????? ??????????????? ????, ??? ?? ????????????? ????????, ????????????? ? ??? ????????».

?????-????????? MI9 ???????? ??? ???????????? ? ???? ????.

??? ?????? ??????? ?????????? ??? Waitrose. ? ????????????? ?????-???????, ???????, ??? ???, ???? ? ???? ?? ?? ??????, ?? ??????????? ???? “??????????? ????????????? ????????” ????? ?? ??????, ????? ?????????? ??????? ???????. ??? ???, ????????? ??????????, ?? ?????????, ????? ????? ??? ? ??????????? ???????? ??????. ? ?? ????? ??? ????????? ?????? ???????? ??????, ?? ????? ?? ?????? ??????????? ??????, ???? ??????? “?????? ????”, ?? ?????????, ? ????????? ? ??????? ???? ?????????? ???????. ?? ??????? ????????? ? ??????? ?????, ? ??????????? ??? ?? ?????? ????????????? ??? ?????? ????? ? ??????. Hi-DEF Waitrose CCTV ??????????, ??? ??????? ???????? ?? ???, ??? ???????? ‘ ??????? ??????????? ??????? ?????, ????????? ? ??????? ??????????? ??????? ???????. ‘ ‘

?????????? ?????? ?????? “, ?? ?????????????? ? ?????????? ??????, ????? ? ???????????, ??? ?????? ????, ? ? ???????? ??? ???? ??????? ????? ??? ???? ????. ??? ??????? ????????. ? ???? ???? ???, ??? ??? ? ?? ???? ????? ?? ???? ?????????? ???????.

?? ?????? ?????-????????? MI9, ‘ ?????????? ??? ????? ???????? ?? ???????????? ?????, ??? ??? ??? ????? ??? ????? ??????????? ?????????, ??? ????? ???????? ??????? ? ???????? ??????. ???? ????? 10 ??????????? ??????? ????????? ?????? ??????, ??????? ???????????? ?????? ???????? ???????. ????? ????, ?? ???????? ????????? ??????????? ??????? ?? ?????? ?????????, ? ?? ????? ??? ??? ?????? ?? ????????.

???? ??????? ??????????, ?????????? ???????? ? ??????, “? ???? ??? ?? ????? ? ????? ????????. ?? ???????????? ??????? ?????? ??????? ?? ??????, ??? ??? ???????? ?????????? ???????? ? ? ?? ????????. ??? ???????? ????????? ? ???, ??? ?? ??? ??????-??????? ? ????????? ??????, ?????? ?? ?????? ????? ????? ????. ???????? ???? ? ?????????? ??????????? ????????, ??? ???????, ?????? ??? ? ?? ???? ???????? ?? ???? ? ?????????? ???. ?????????, ?? ?????????: “??? ??????, ?? ??????? ?????????? ? ????? ?????, ?????? ??????? ?” Brexit ? ???? ???????. ??? ?????????????.

“??? ?????, ?? ??????? ????, ??? ?? ?????????, ??? ???? ??? ????? ????????”, ???????? ?????-????????? ??? ?????????. “??? ???????????? ????? ???????? ????????????? ?????????????????? ? ???????????? ?? ?????????????? ??????????????. ??????????????? ??? ???????? ??????-???????, ??????????????? ???, ?????????? ??? ?? ????? ???? ?????????? ????????? ?????????????????? ?? ??? ????????? Multi-??????????? ????? ????????????? ????????, ???. ??? ??? ????? ?????? ????? ?? ????????? ??????, ???????? ???????? ????? ???, ?????? ???????????? ???????? ? ???? ???????, ???? ???????? ???????, ? ??????? ?????????? ??????? ??????? ?? ???».

?? ???? ?????, ?????? ?????????? ??? ????????????? ?????????? ???????, “?????, ??? ?????, ????????? ????????, ??? ??, ??????????, ?????? ???????? ???? ?????????? ???????. ?? ???, ??? ????? ???????????? ???? ?? ??????? ?? ??????????? ??????????????????. ?? ????????? 11 ???? ????? ?? ??????????, ? ?????????? ?????????? ??? ????? ???????.

 

Author: Andrew Knowlman

I am a 50-year old father of two children, married to Jane. I live in Hertfordshire, UK. I was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis in April 2015.

3 thoughts on “Spy?”

    1. I don’t fear The Daily Mail. Vladimir is indeed a lovely bloke, who adores pets and children. My Russian comes from Microsoft Translate, yours?

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